There's a moment most men I know don't talk about.

Something cracks. A conversation, a birthday, a morning in the car.

Something that was always there suddenly has a name, or the beginning of one.

And for a moment (maybe an hour, maybe a day) it feels real.

Then the audit starts.

Is this actually a problem, or am I just tired? Everyone feels this sometimes. I'm probably overthinking it. I've got a good life. What have I got to complain about?

And just like that, the thing that was named gets unnamed. Filed under noise.

That audit isn't rationality.
It's not critical thinking or perspective or being sensible.

It's the second wall. Harder than the first, because it's dressed up as intelligence.

Wall one is not knowing something's wrong. Wall two is knowing something's wrong and not trusting the knowing.

Here's a way to see it clearly.

If a close friend described that feeling to you (the hum, the hollowness, the sense that something isn't sitting right), you wouldn't say, "Are you sure that's real?"

You'd take it seriously. You'd probably say something like "yeah, that sounds like something worth looking at."

You won't do that for yourself.

That asymmetry is worth sitting with. Not as a problem to fix right now. Just as a thing to notice.

The crack is information. The audit you run on it immediately after is not objectivity.

It's a habit.

And like most habits, once you see it clearly, it starts to lose some of its grip.

Cheers

Paul

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